NidyoLogy

to spare my fellow friendster users further blog announcements

there is a switch of blog space to this address

http://nidyology.blogspot.com

thank you for your kind patience this whole time,

hope to see you there.

haven’t written much here lately

not due to lack of content i suppose,

things have happened and thoughts have been thought;

only they’re unwritten, as for most things that happen to anyone

the much anticipated holiday is almost over. did some long drives,

sunrise watching, and crab spotting; enjoyed a comedy fest, korean bbq,

and a hearty midnight talks over coffee;   it’s liberating.

i have had so.  much.  time.  and so.  little.  structure. 

i don’t look forward to the wednesday’s assignment collection, but i did some

laundry washing to lessen the guilt. and some incredibly athletic moves of ironing.

outside, the trees de-green and the grass is ice-cold,

the leaves are brown and crispy and i ate a surviving mango and peach.

it’s lovely today, though not very profound. it has its own kind of melancholy.

i slept last night with mellow things on my mind, and awoke no different.

i scolded myself for such thinking, but I went on thinking it just the same.

there’s no room for a super intelligent accounting analysis today.

but today i analysed the onions and carrots in my soup,

noticed the steam upon my tea, the hole in my thermal socks,

and all things autumn and all things that matter to me, today.

i realise i never wrote about my family

it’s always been about me me and more mes plus my sickening thoughts

no wonder i get depressed all the time. u noticed too?

great great.. family, eh?

i love my family; they’re not perfect

less perfect than the Brady bunch,

but much less troubled than Marissa Cooper-Nichol’s OC

—–

so i have a wise responsible hardworking cynical pop,

very cool calm and collected, burps very loud, well i can’t ask for more.

—–

i have a type A mother, she should’ve worked in a testosterone-charged

company. she’s ambitious, aggressive, walks very fast, argumentative,

and surely doesn’t bake brownies or cut my sandwiches all-diagonally.

yet she chose to be a housewife, although more successfully become a dear friend of ours.

—–

now we understand why i didn’t ask for more in my pop.

because feels like i’ve got two pops in the house already.

—–

i have an older brother. he’s kind, witty, arguably good-looking, secretive,

hardworking, never talk about his love life,  and mom loves him so much.

in fact, everyone loves him. but we wonder who he’s fallen in love with.

can anyone marry him in 3 years time please?

otherwise i worry mom will arrange him a marriage. he’s a bit shy..

anyw i shouldn’t market my brother this way. it’s unethical.

did i say he’s kind and witty and available?

—–

next i have an older sister. a complex one.

she’s wise yet immature; shy yet talkative; spoiled and bossy yet independent.

she loves to read, she’s full of imaginations, she’s always in love.

she has ups and downs relationship with life, questions it, and live into it.

very philosophycal she is.

and oh i have a tendency to break wind a lot around her. i don’t know why,

a repressed revenge from my childhood abuse i guess. she’s responsible for it.

very psychological this one.  yeah.

—–

the politics, the economy, current affairs, and casual topics

are our dinner table conversations. yes my family educate me,

and in wikipedia’s words, they’re my primary social encounter. no doubt on that.

—–

despite the secrets i hide from them,

and the disappointments i made now and then,

and the quarrels here and there,

and the silent treatments we do when we’re upset,

we always give and forgive.

—–

i dont remember ever wanting anyone to be replaced despite the fact that

i didn’t pick them in the first place. it’s a wonder that they suit me just fine.

—–

hmm.. with Yoda style conclusion,

a Yuwono I am. glad i am.

three cheers to families!

Once I spoke the language of the trees,

Once I understood each word my (lost) rabbit said,

Once I smiled at the gossip of the marching ants on my room’s wall,

And shared a conversation with the old wise rock. ("you rock, Rock!").

Once I heard and answered all the questions of the mosquitos,

And joined the crying of each falling drying drop of rain,

Once I even spoke the language of people…

how did it go again?

world seemed more sensible back then.

I remembered something.  Something beautiful. 

One day when i was ten or eleven years old i had a moment where i was

very much in love with life.  Everything seemed so full and beautiful

and bright and i was completely drunk on it and enamored with it.
 

with much inspiration, i’m sure, from the moon in spielberg’s ET,

i prayed that i would see the moon from another part of the world

so i don’t miss a spot in life. so i’d see how big the moon can be.

i had forgotten what a gift that was.

it was new and familiar all at the same time. 

i was touched and grateful and.. if i think it over,

God in all of His bigness would give silly ten year old me this sight

every night just because i loved it. God is so cool.

staring at the moon and comparing the size in different countries

are such trivial things.

they aren’t sensible, they do not put bread on the table,

they do not really make me any wiser or smarter or kinder.

But God didn’t think my request was silly or selfish or frivilous.

God gave. God gives still.

i really should pay enough attention to the good things when i got them.

especially these times.

ps: the moon size is the same here, ET’s moon was in a studio. hmm..

One Saturday a thought visited me;

I’d love to be exciting and say that I was a rebel who broke some rules.

but sadly I wasn’t, i didn’t dare breaking much enough.

i shiver to this thought;

what if then the darker, more sinister, angry and “fuck it” side of me asked,

"when’s my turn? i exist too! i want off this merry-go-round,

twenty years have passed and i’m still on the same horse.

what makes u think u r better off without me?

u think u r a good person just by ignoring me?

explore me first! experience me! learn me, the other half of you. me! you!

if u survive my dark world, then you are good.. u are balanced.

yin and yang, left and right, a completed piece."

i replied to mini-me,

"u’re just the wrong me, mini-me..

just because you exist doesn’t mean i have to act on you.

u’re just the bad me.. u won’t do me good.."

and i closed my eyes. shut my ears.

but mini-me knows better.

she knows it was an unsturdy statement.

she knows i may soon feed her for the sake of curiousity.

she knows i shall make justifications for all the things i do or don’t do.

maybe i have

i feel like i’m 4 again.

my age when goods and bads seem to collide i need explanations which is which.

the year i hit the wall on the forehead because i was smart. it hurt.

God, my confidant, my omnipresent, 

can i go anywhere and take You with me?

or is there a place where You don’t want to be taken?

month december didn’t exist

it was surreal

no blog entry imaginable can tell as much

somethings are better left unwritten to keep their full flavor

i adore every single day of december

but january and the months followed will be real

so real in fact, I am already a mess in many ways.

I know it’s just started but i can’t help it

I’m heartsick.  Regretful.  Doubtful.  Pensive.  Tired.  Content.  Longing. 

I am all these things, a jumbled collage of destructive thoughts

emotion and idea that doesn’t really know what to make of itself. 

I’m overwhelmed.

It’s likely to be a hard year to pass if it started this way.

So i went to the fireworks celebration

hoping the sparks can brighten up the whole year instead of only 15 minutes

oh what’s so festive about another year..

What did they cheer and kiss and hug each other for?

I didn’t ooh or aah when people oohed and aahed on the blasts

Have I lost my old self? well i don’t like the new either

I used to love change.  Movement.

I always anticipate the future (sometimes too much). 

I spent half of winter thinking of spring.

I’m always peeking in the oven to see if the chickens are done yet.

I like watching the rain stains the street a darker black.

I love seeing kittens grow.  I love seeing people grow. 

I love the world for its constant state of change. it’s breathtaking.

but changes can be scary sometimes

and growing up is harder than i thought.

and Today was foggy.

Kind of like the future.

I have some troubles looking where the changes are heading to..

soon I bid brief farewell

to the city in which I laughed and broke nerves for a year

the city I sipped lattes in and wandered through endlessly

the city of long walks and quiet reads

and long steel rails and grafitis, windy hairdos and gelatis

the city of my first four seasons.

lucky how all be attached to a place, how i become attached to this place.

but still i have never met a more handsome November day

-although yarra river doesn’t hold up romance anymore (thanks to flies)-

the thought of coming home tomorrow intrigues the absence of domesticity

more than if it was still months away.

i’m coming home

and let me just say to my family and friends that I

sincerely apologize for not keeping in touch as closely as I wanted to

i’ll try to make that up, starting..now

i figure that when my head is on sideways and my brain goes astray,

the best thing is to collect my door key and move.   out

so shoes on hands and bag on shoulder,

little i left the room of ponder and went to the sun’s birthday.

i forgot spring’s around.

october is today was october is today october? i could smell it. so said my hair.

greenish trees timid breeze and short sleeves. urge my frequent wee-wees

hello sunshine. 

look. some people dress up.  some strip off.  i think the sun confuses us.

so i just walked slow on south lawn pretending exams were a financial year away.

then i returned home. 

now shoes and bag and head were in the right place again.

but for how long? stay stay staaay

Some people warned others not to blog unless they’re ready to fully commit to it.

Why the fuss? I often commit to things that I can’t keep up like morning exercising

or eating carrot everyday or calling home. to me it’s a therapeutical thing to do and

we should do it whenever feel like doing. Afterall I think the world will be just fine

if I just pop in every now and then..

Then a thought came to mind. why bother writing at all?

In my very first entry i remember ‘doing it to follow the crowds’..

Sad, but i wonder if i lied. partially.

I wonder if it wasn’t just that.

Perhaps I also desperately write it to picture myself in a way i never could out there

and display it for the world to see the bad stuffs the beautiful stuffs the lies

the dramas; if ever i had interesting ones.

But why would I want that? What would that achieve?

Maybe, in a strange sort of way, I was seeking people’s approval. Maybe I thought

that if they understood me, they would understand better the choices I make,

and why i am the way i am today.

Perhaps, I just thought I was interesting, as all people are interesting, and wanted

to share that with the willing world.

Are those motivations good? Are they selfish? Futile? Insecure?

Have I succeeded? Have I failed?

I guess this contemplating entry is too early to write and to answer those.

I don’t think I have written enough honest self if that is what I was trying to do.

There are more of me that rarely appears here.

I’m fine in a way, because I was going to make my blog less personal.

More universal. Less venting and shouting, more meaning.

Although it’s hardly to be successful as what means something to me can mean

nothing to anyone.

But hey it’s a blog, not a newspaper. It’s supposed to be personal and emotional.

Maybe it’s just my nature to keep stories to myself.

A word was invented to describe people like me. Introvert. I dislike it.

Despite my doubt that anyone’s listening, and with often failing attempts,

I do want to be more open, and to have more stories to tell. Maybe I just haven’t

found the comfortable space and way doing it.

Strangely not even in a blog, where everyone seems comfortable doing.

So where do i go from here?